I have been out of touch.

I have been out of touch. I feel out of touch. Out of touch with an innocence, out of touch with a sense of ownership I had of the world around me, and a feeling of pride I used to have. I donot however feel out of touch with myself.

The discord is with time. I wish someone could tell me how long it’ll last. But would I accept what that someone is telling? And would it be the same as discovering? The questions have changed. I know who I am. Now I want to know What I am capable of doing? What can I do a few weeks, months or years from now. I will only know if I keep walking.

I’m discovering along the way that there is absolutely nobody in this world without insecurities. That everyone has something or the other they worry about. A rule with no exceptions. Its the biggest challenge life poses. To be objective.

Not just insecurity, but even indecision gets to you. Infact, honestly, I feel that I’ve degenerated after college. The vibrance has gone, I’ve become more grumpy. Even the pathetic SJs arent that quick, damnit! I can however laugh at myself a lot more, now. Its got something to do with the new environment, which I need to accept and adjust to. But that doesnt come that easily to me, or maybe I just dont want to?

I wonder at times how long I’ll be able to keep in touch with those I really want to from college! I feel a tinge of disappointment when someone says they dont have the time to talk, or meet up, or forget to return a call. I refuse to buy the argument that there is no time.

I am also realising that there is a lot of happiness to be found in conviction. Convince yourself of what you want to do, and then have the balls to do it. Sometimes the experience is in just taking the step. It is much easier said than done, I know. But I hope I can do it with everything I do. It all comes back to TIME.
There’ll be times where you’re absolutely convinced about something and act on it, but it wont happen simply because every action has an initiator and a responder, but theres a beauty to that also. Conviction teaches you patience.

The storm in my head has made sure I have become a complete slave to music. It gives me a sense of reassurance. It kicks me. It makes sure I keep walking. It is an ally to my conviction.

Unreal perhaps, how time flies. It is not without reason that I bow down to it as my only god. Time. It is a beautiful teacher. The best you’ll ever find.

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